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when i found my lover with another lover
i took a picture and hung it on my wall
it reminds me of being humble
to feel love
unfamiliar to me
I fall deep
hate hate hate hate
high high high high
what a perfect day
H A L L U C I N A T I O N
Suddenly. Stop. Suddenly they are all gone. I feel raped and nude. I open my eyes. My clothe is wet, my skin is dry. Why? I take a shower and wash away whatever just happened.
1995 that was the year when I thought I should die. Or at least had the wish to die and escape the pain. Today nineteen years later I walk into my kitchen and I think I shall die again. The words nailed on the wall are too painful. I walk in and I don’t die. “I’m really bad at dying”, I think to myself and feel less alive. The sound of the water boiling comforts me and I regain hope. With my back to the nailed wall I pour myself a cup of instant coffee. I can’t drink my coffee black. I can’t. The tape around my wrist tightens. I need milk. No sugar. Just pure white milk. “But then I have to turn around and open the fridge. I have to face the wall.” I stare down on the street and for a short moment I consider if I should jump out and get my milk from somewhere else. No sugar. Just milk. “You’re silly,” I tell myself, “you can’t have both a numb thumb and a broken leg. That would be the end of success before it even began”. I shake my head and instinctively I begin walking backwards. I smile. Often we forget what we are capable of. Luckily our bodies remind us. I shake my head, open the fridge and take out the milk. My back to the wall. It feels awkward and genius at the same time. “Hah, you’re not gonna get me” I smile brighter. As the tape tightens around my wrist my joy shrinks. The coffee has gotten cold in the meantime. I must have waited way longer by the window than I thought. I drink it anyway. Too fast. Instant.
Like yesterday I have nothing and everything to do. Today. Sitting next to the fridge is actually more comfortable that I imagined but if I stay here the milk will go bad and I will have to jump (...)